algorithmicdiva

Rambles, Rants, and Decomposition

therapy and stuff

I find it hard to sit down and write when feeling content, but that doesn’t mean I’ve nothing to share.

Mid december was the last therapy session I attended. Due to Xmas followed shortly after by New Years, I had an understandable hiatus with a Monday evening appointment the very next week.

Enter polar vortex #1.

The entire weekend before that next appointment, I kept telling myself I should just call and reschedule. Ah, but that would require using the phone. So I told myself to email her. Ugh. I kept putting it off to the point where only a phone call would be acceptable. Then, late Sunday evening I discovered I had missed a call from my therapist. Yay. She called to cancel.

Wrong. Like usual, I never listened to the voicemail. If I had, I would have discovered in time that she was, in fact, going to be at her office and to let her know if I was still planning on coming. Monday came and my work miraculously closed (they NEVER close, not for anything). I missed out on listening to a 2nd VM from my Dr giving me yet another chance to cancel, and this time upon seeing it, I just froze.

Had  I listened to the damn thing (and my gut already knew what was up) I wouldn’t have had to pay for a no show.

I’m not even embarassed about that situation b/c I’d have no problem strolling into a new appointment and laughing at what an anxiety driven idiot I can be and appologize for having wasted her time that day. On the other hand, making a new appointment would require a phone call. 0_o

How come I can use online booking to have my eyebrows waxed, but not schedule a therapy session this way. I want to cop out and say this lack of technology (or real office I can walk into to talk to a secretary or receptionist.. b/c I would do that no problem) is preventing me from getting something I need, but honestly I’m not so certain I need it. I believe I definitely got something from it that I desperately needed at the time, but I also believe I got more out of writing on here than anything else.

And to my relief, the financial stress I’ve been battling for so long started freaking me out more when I considered going back. And then I got the official hire and it has felt so good to know that I’m finally on the right path and can clean up the mess I’ve made and stop biting my nails at every bill that comes in hoping I’ll have enough to not fall behind on the student loans that month.

And I started painting again! (voting for the contest is actually going on right now, tonight) and it couldn’t possibly get any more therapy happy for me than the act of painting, with oil, for myself.

Why add the stress back by going back? If something came up, would I be able to call her and try for an appointment again? What’s the deal with phone’s anyway? What ever happened to carrier pigeons or dudes on horses? A bottle in the sea perhaps.  Meep.

legendary february

Despite a record breaking winter, February 2014 has been amazing. On one hand, burrrrrrrrrrrrr wtf!?!?! On the other, I couldn’t have been happier with the month.

To start, I’m finding myself feeling more and more comfortable with solo me and have been far less antsy to get out there in the dating world. I don’t find myself checking emails several times a day (if at all) and I’ve been significantly more productive with my time and energy (when I’ve had it). I’ve fallen back into my old TV watching self, meaning that instead of constantly watching crap, I record the 2-3 shows I really like and could give a shit about the rest. Then, when in a rare TV mood, I can watch my few shows at will. I still suck at sleeping, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t greatly improved. Aww yeah. I also got to go to a few concerts (like the Pixies! <3 ) and then… Oh yes yes, then… There be the 2 major changes. Ready? Go..

1. WORK. After 2 years as a temp for a publishing company, gaining more and more responsibilities, talking them into giving me a significant raise after the first year, and becoming a vital part of the team, I have finally become an official employee of the company and can enjoy the awesome benefits with the rest of my co-workers. No more stress over getting sick or holidays or snow days or all that other crap. This winter I missed out on over a week’s worth of pay due to where holidays landed and weather issues and so on.. That financially SUCKED. As if I needed the extra stress, right? Anyway, YAY!

2. PAINTING. At the beginning of the month a friend I haven’t seen in ages sends me an out-of-the-blue text. Handlebar, this amazing vegetarian/vegan restaurant, is having a painting contest for their 11th anniversary. The only requirements were that it be small-ish and have a Raven (the restro’s spirit animal, if you will). I suddenly felt all gung ho and decided to go for it. Working a 9-5, with extended travel times thanks to this jerk named winter, and a lot of other junk on my plate this month, trying to complete a painting within a short period of time and extremely limited space (my poor bathroom) to do it was… frustrating and yet wonderful. I’ve really really really missing painting for me. And even though I have issues with certain aspects of the piece, I’m extremely pleased with the end result. I didn’t/don’t care about winning, I just needed that push to jump back into the one thing I love to do more than anything else in this world. It was like finding me again. Once this snow is done with, I will be making regular visits out to the burbs to paint for certain. But now I really need to un-studio my bathroom so I can use it like a normal person, that painting has been handed in, yo. Yeee.

Both of these events have really tested my confidence and anxieties (big time), but I got through it all and everything is great. They trump the depression and all that other dumb shit so… Yay! Sometimes things suck, but at the end of the day the furball is adorable and makes me life, I’m in a better place with everything, and everything is ok. That was my February. The end.

 

2 min update

1. same job but new job = official & finally with benefits… not official yet but iz happening.

2. painting contest… go!

3. sleep routine does good, cept after an amazing night at the Pixies concert.

4. shop local. it can happen in winter too.

5. have had waaaaaay too much crap on my plate lately, esp in paperwork form. legal junk, taxes, etc. relief once completely over with.

6. too much getting put off.. wish lack of time with too much on plate was more than only 40-60% true excuse. still fighting still, & often.

much much more on all this when time and brain and motivation allow.
all mostly good things… I hope.

zzzzzzz

brain no can

write

someday..  sleep first

 

update

 

 

zzzzzz

no sleep & the return of ghost cat, time for routine again

Stress, anxiety, work, depression VS. a major lack of time, money, being social, drawing, cleaning, SLEEPING! This is my life. In fact, a friend recently posted this image on my FB saying “saw this, immediately thought of you..” and it was dead on..

sleepIt’s not really that I’m too bored, it’s more like a zombie thing. Last week I was so insanely busy at work, was being pretty active and productive when home, and with the help of some zQuil I was actually falling asleep within a decent amount of time annnnnnd actually feeling rested the next day! I wasn’t using the stuff every night, mind you, but almost every night I was getting actual rest. Sweet glorious stranger-to-me rest! It was amazing and I was actually able to trudge a little faster through the mud of my depression. Thing is, I actually believed the zQuil crap was helping me sleep. What b.s. This week was awful and proved the stuff to be a false prophet.

Sunday and Monday I used the stuff and barely slept. Tuesday, was special. I took the day off, decided to not stress over losing money from it, had no articles to check publication or anything immediately in need of my attention, so it was lovely to not touch the computer for once. I simply took a relaxing non-active day to myself, and after some food, around 4pm I gave into the overwhelming need to take a nap. Usually that need is a lazy bored unmotivated depression thing, but this really felt like a genuine “I need barin off now sleep some please” situation. And sleep I did. An amazing and rare nap. Two whole hours! Anyway, back in Oct, I wrote Cat Ghost? about how I used to have this strange lucid sensation of my childhood cat Cashmere visiting me in my sleep and how it ceased a few months after adopting Machete 3+ years ago.

The moment I laid down I could immediately feel sleep taking me. Machete took her side of the bed, on top of my arm because I was already on my side and physically dead to the world. Consciousness was fluttering in and out. Then everything got all lucid surreal. No idea if I was awake or asleep or what. I just know Machete was on my arm and purring, then I heard/sensed a much larger cat jump up on the nightstand to my back. I felt the presence step onto the bed, walk up my pillow, then the purring sniffs into my exposed ear… something Machete doesn’t really do. M usually goes for the eyes or nose and has never really been a hair nester (Cashmere definitely was). I remember thinking about the situation and about how I was asleep. I think I started dreaming of other things I’ve long since forgotten, then the same visitation sense happened again and I know at some point after that I fell soundly asleep. I was so rested after that. Part of me wonders if I started dreaming Machete and I were in the same sleeping arrangement while outside of sleep and dreams she was purring into my ear as she sniffed it. So strange and weird, words could never emulate it properly.

Well, I got a few more things done after that and then poorly slept later on. Wed night I took zQuil early on, had my tea, read a lil from bed, no electronics, then felt the effects of the stuff getting strong, but I honestly cannot say whether I ever fell asleep or not. I was tossing and turning all night and by morning I was a mess. After work I was supposed to have writing/drawing time with my friend, but by 3pm I was already braindead, yet still determined to get out there. Work dragged on for ages and well past the time I had intended to leave, the bus ride was overpacked (I’ll usually wait in the cold for the next, more empty bus, but really really wanted to get going already), I could hardly move, and it took forever to get the short distance home. The conditions were snowy slushy, which normally I’m fine with and would have still driven to the burbs, but by the time I had squeezed my way off the bus I was ready to go straight to bed. I felt bad, but knew driving was no longer a safe option (weather permitting or not). So I ate, took zQuil, bed. Seriously… WTF?! Same horrible tossing and turning, but too friggin exhausted, out-of-it, dead to move. It’s like all those old vampire movies or half the TV shows recently (ie. AHS: Coven, Sleepy Hallow, etc).. lying stuck in a coffin, completely conscious, completely stuck.

Friday I hit a level of giddy delirium and was luckily functional with limited energy spurts. Leaving the building for a bday lunch was rejuvenating too. I don’t think I’ve left for lunch once since fall. So… this all leaves me unmotivated, lazy, sore, overtired, feeling worse b/c of the lack of accomplishing things that I WANT to do. It’s not just cleaning and budgets and dealing with other crap. It’s missing out on time with friends (even if we’re just silently working on our own things in the same room), getting a move on with projects, getting out more, feeling better, having a full and active day. I feel like a bum. My room looks like a tornado hits it every time I’ve just cleaned it. My bathroom is like that too. My living room still has xmas crap up. My desk is a disaster. I want my organized life back.

Time for routines. Saturdays in the summer were great for getting me out of the house, going for walks, reading, drawing, farmer’s market, cleaning, etc. It’s cold out, I’m a baby, time to adjust.

1. I was looking online for sleep tea recipes and started thinking about how teas, sleepy pills & liquids, medications, etc have never truly helped me sleep b/c it’s my brain that’s the problem. I have the “set alarms early” and “no electronics” routines in place (usually), but I need more to help the anxiety part and found this… I know, it’s Dr. Oz who sometimes creeps me out and I’ve never really watched him and I’ve definitely never read his books, but this routine seems like something harmless to try for awhile b/c it focuses on anxiety and all my other mood junk.

And to briefly illustrate it for myself…

sleep_routine

2. Must create cleaning routines so I’m not overwhelmed. I started going pinterest crazy last week when I received a “You’ll love these DIY pins..” email that was focussed on healthy living, natural DIY cleaning products, etc.. and found a few routines in there that got me thinking. I haven’t created this yet, but like my drawing routine and rules, I’m in the process of sorting things out.

3. Exercise routine with the lack of extra walking. I found myself overeating this week. Like obsessive overeating. Even thinking to myself, “hey, I just had dinner, but I really want this, but I’m already full, but I really want this now”. I really didn’t want any food product that bad, it was poor coping. Fudge that, and by fudge, I mean I need to stop indulging in “needs” for crap like fudge. I was also cursing. FYI.

Anyway… yes. I know nothing will ever right itself asap. Routines take time and patience to form. Schedules sometimes require tweaking and exceptions. Life is unpredictable. Yadda yadda. My main goal is to see if I can make some level of #1 habit for sleeptime. I honestly can’t see myself having a lavender facial every night, but tea is already a routine and I believe an awareness of room temp and a few minutes of stretching wouldn’t be too hard, along with further re-enforcing my electronics-off rule, and (not-yet-mentioned or researched) better awareness of what I’m eating before bed, etc…

So in reality, my goal is to avoid the following situation for sleep aid (not to mention forced avoidance of dating/relationship crap):  Video of Happy Endings: Noche Tussin

slooowwwwwww cook

I was originally working on a post about recognizing the need to dump, tweak, and add new rules to the restrictions I’ve placed on myself for journal sketches since July. It became a little more involved than I thought and I’m more or less in the process of discovering what’s working or not. That said, it’ll be a post for another day.

Today I’m just going to share some excitement and other updates, as well as a few finger shakes at myself for some things i need to admit and get going on.

First off, this weather is half awesome, half blows (literally). Supposedly tomorrow will be another negative 45F windchill beauty, so I’m looking forward to working from home and eating chilli. And by beauty, I actually meant it. I don’t want to be out in it, but looking outside it gets all pretty with the snow. Today’s a bit overcast and glary, but I love seeing the tops of cars and roofs and all uniformed in white together. It’s neato. And speaking of Chilli!!!!!

This is where the excitement comes in. I’ve been saying I want to make my own chilli all winter and I kept putting it off. This time, actually paying attention to the weather in advance, I prepared myself. I’ve never made it before and well, I hate following recipes (except for the basic idea of what’s needed) so..  I went a little crazy and was all COLOR!!!

20140126_093357And then I mixed it up and kept adding junk..

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So then I realized I completely forgot tomatoes. So here’s the thing about me.. I have severe texture issues. Most meats do gross me out, but the majority of that originated in a severe need to die the moment that awful texture was in my mouth. Tomatoes are another texture that kills me. I can handle the meaty part of them, but if the skin is all stretchy or the seedy inside is running all over the place, I slightly die a thousand deaths. So I ran to the store and grabbed a can of crushed tomatoes. That I can handle, plus there’s already enough texture going on in my crockpot (speelcheck does not recognize “crockpot” and wants to makes it say “crackpot”, fyi), I think I needed something more fluid. Hoping it works out. all I know right now is it’s starting to smell amazing.

20140126_104824

Speaking of meat, I decided it was lacking in the good kind of meaty textures, so yay portobellos. Excited for dinner later. I figure, worst case scenario it’s just really good because I like all the crap in it so… best case is my socks get blown off. Whatevs.. back to actual updates b/c you don’t give a hoot about my kitchen experiments, neither does Machete. She’s very miffed at my Sunday busy-ness today and would rather be chased around the house. Hmmm.. maybe need more tom.. it’s still a WIP anyway.

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Anyway…  time for some wrist slapping.

I missed my last therapy appointment. First there were 2 weeks away because of xmas and the new year, then the following week my appointment was on that Monday of doom when my office shutdown (my office NEVER shuts down, that means it be bad). Here’s the problem, the Sunday before I saw missed a call from my Dr and instead of listening to the voicemail like a normal person (I hate voicemail just as much as I hate and get anxiety over talking on the damn phone thing.. I’ll text.) so I simply assumed she was cancelling. Nope. That was NOT the case. She was calling to see if I wanted to cancel, but wanted to let me know she’ll still be going into her office.

This led to 2 more calls from her over the next week seeing if I wanted to schedule my next appointment, etc. So much has been going on lately that I have been rather overwhelmed and stressed and exhausted and yadda yadda yadda, that’s the excuse I’m using for having yet to get in contact with her. Ugh. So, first wrist slap… get the eff in contact with her amanda. Don’t make me write it twice, yo.

And now Machete’s glaring at me expressing her boredom that I’ve gone from kitchen to computer and still am not chasing her (I will, I always do, she just needs to learn patience.)

20140126_115333

Also all my photos of her are blurry.. lame. More wrist slapping.. I have a bunch of people I seriously need to email back. Two of which I really need to bite the bullet on and tell them I won’t be working with them on their awesome projects. Another I need to get some sketches together to send and see if she wants me working with her. Annnnd then there’s that comic thing of mine. I have less than a week to draw 1 panel.. ONE. And get it all clean, pretty, complete and posted on my site. I said 1 a month dammit! Ugh.. self. You big lame lazy distracted jerk.

There’s a lot more to update, but I don’t feel like typing anymore. This is long enough so.. Have a safe, warm, wonderful rest of your Sunday. Must return to productiveness.

rusty pencil skills, awesome friends, good reads

My anxiety has been on high lately. Not because of work, or dating, or finances, or family, etc. It’s needle has been seizing past max capacity because of self doubt as an artist. I want to draw, I know I can draw, I don’t draw, I get all Hamlet and think too much – lacking action, I freak the fuck out inside. I combust.  Scribbling is one thing, legitimate drawing is another. There are things in my head, specific things. I open to a blank page, sharpen a pencil or uncap a pen, I stare at it, and then…. paralysis sets in. … Fuck.

Saturday was beautiful. I picked up my mom and we ran errands. Dropped shoes at the cobbler, hit the German/European market for some tasty delights, then the actual grocery store. Returned to my place to sQuirsch the kitten, wine, cheese, chocolates, a few episodes of Hitchcock Presents, a really really bad (yet to us.. hilarious) 80s horror flick, and then some Sherlock. It was exactly the type of chill day we both were desperately in need of. I explained my drawing anxieties to mom, but her solutions were too advanced. When I stated I didn’t know where to start, she said to draw Machete. Draw Herman (I know I don’t mention him much, if ever, but that’s my tubby turtle).  Grumble.

Today I had afternoon coffee with a friend. Probably one of the extreme few people on this planet I could envision studio sharing or art collaboration with. After some catching up we talked of this drawing fear I have suddenly developed. What a DUMB anxiety, for reals. She made me feel better about it all and promised to harass me for drawing updates, requiring photographic evidence via text or the likes.

I got home and a few hours later this was our text thread:

K: how’s drawing going?

Me: Trying. All antsy. So I’m staring at the page, have music going, finally stopped eating as a coping mechanism (haha) and trying to not give in to a nap, though wondering if a mini nap would be better, but then think about that comic. Oy vey. Really really antsy.

K: don’t nap yet, draw at least one itty bitty thing!

Me: You’re. Will scribble some crap and not try for anything in particular.
That was “you’re right”. Ugh this phone and my brain. Anywho… scribbling is happening. Helps. Still scared to attempt solid or even vague ideas. Poopycrap

(Then I sent an earlier version of the scribble below.)

K: haha I figured. look at you go, though! I’m proud of you for finally interacting with the paper!!

Me: Dumbest anxiety in the WORLD. Sheesh.

jrnl sktch 20140119

So then I was feeling better after doodle time and wanted a break. Returned to finish reading Where’d You Go, Bernadette, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Not on an intellectual or realistic level, but on a relating parallel artistic and antisocial note between myself and the main character. Also, I can’t help but laugh at some of the characters.. I’ve known a few self-overrating suburban mom jerks in my day. Not a fantastic book, but definitely an enjoyable read.

Then one of my most favorite people in the world wrote this (If you like Yann Tiersen, try These Books) and I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially due to my love of  reading, anything Tiersen, and (even if she’s an égoïste snob jerk Parisian) characters played by Audrey Tautou.

Totally worth the read and future followings, fyi.

Then my friend was all.. I will be at such and such cafe writing tomorrow. Join me. And I’m all, yes, yes I will. But I hand wrote and drew my response and sent it and it was like.. oh yeah.. I CANnnnnn draw. Duh.

Anxiety residue still clings, but… after this day… and a glass of wine.. or perhaps two… I’m dancing around the house and feeling better. I’m going to hit publish now and start drawing some more crapshit nonsense or anything really. It might turn out fantastic, who knows. Fini.

livid day, grr scribbles

WARNING: Pure rant. Crap language to be exponentially spewed. I refuse to reread this shit.

Today was a giant plop of dung. It takes a LOT to get me to a point of angry. And I mean, of course there are things that make me mad here and there, but this was the rare case of me livid and silently brewing. I think I actually scared one co-worker after she asked how I was, then immediately saw the look on my face and said, “oh boy, I won’t ask”.

There is far more to this story than I’m going to share. Just the day’s details without exhausting the backmatter.

Speed dial backmatter: Have been a temp at the same place for almost 2 years (officially so in March), pretty much created an essential job for myself they didn’t realize there was a need for until I stepped up and started taking care of crap, got better pay, more responsibility, and am constantly told “We’d be screwed if you left” mainly b/c no one knows how to do 75% of my job. They tried creating a position for me, but the high high higher ups denied it in the last budget meeting and the position that opened in my group will remain as is. I’m already doing the work for it and a lot lot more. Said I was interested in that position and its been hinted that its mine anyway. Mid November was the first time I was told paperwork for the position was submitted to HR.

This morning IMing a coworker: “i need to stop looking at the new vacancies page. its making me depressed. and i’m tired of asking whats up with it and each time told the paper work is in, the paperwork will be in by the end of the week, etc”. She’s responding to this and that, then I add.. “/=  i’m asking him again today what’s up with it. if he says anything like the paperwork will be in tomorrow i’m looking for a new job”.

Afterward, in our morning meeting everyone starts hounding my boss about all the changes to their jobs and the extra stress, compensation, etc. Complaining about the off hours and holidays our team has had to work to make sure shit happens (mind you, I’m the one always to volunteer because I do NOT get holiday, sick, vacation, or other special pay). I’m really quiet during the hour of this ranting and starting to get annoyed b/c they’re complaining about stuff that mostly I’ve taken over to I can simply make up hours to get a decent paycheck and its going on and on and on and onnnnnnnnnnnnn. I started out scribbling something silly, but during that hour it turned into this:

20140109_205239

My original plan was to approach my boss after the meeting, as an aside, not in front of everyone. But it got mad, and I found myself sparked by something (I forget) someone said and I mumbled “so when is so and so’s job getting posted?” and I was asked what? “Nothing” No really, what? So I asked “when is his job getting posted so I can complain about compensation for holiday work on top of holiday pay that I don’t get?” and I said it with a tone. This is NOT my usual zen, reserved, polite, patient self. It wasn’t anything offensive to anyone b/c everyone on my team is constantly asking when I’m getting hired and they act just as annoyed as I deep down feel.

My boss said “in the next week or so”. I just stared. Not my usual pleasant stare either. Not even my grumpy moody bad day look. He then added that he just needed a signature.

Something in me cracked.

I was livid, but I didn’t say another word for the rest of the meeting except when we started talking about actual work crap. LIVID.

LIVVVVVVVVVVVV    IIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

The first time I was told the paperwork was in. Then started checking for the post every day.

Then I was told it would be in by the end of the week, so I waited a bit and started checking again. And checked. and waited.

Today a few coworkers came up in turn and were all, didn’t he first say “this” back in Nov and “that” a few weeks ago?

I reeeeeally really really like what I do. I really like most of the people I work with. I like most things about the environment. I like how laid back it can be. I like the diversity of things I do. I also really like my boss and knew he can come across as lazy about certain things but have also stuck up for him on several occasions b/c I’m one of the few people that has gotten a better scope of all the crap he has to deal with. But this…?!?!?!?!?

I barely spoke the rest of the day. At lunch coworker from the meeting explained to coworker from the morning’s IM what went down. Both know I’ll be working on my resume and seeing what’s out there starting this weekend. Both have maybe seen me temporarily fleetingly mad about something, but never this. Few people ever see me extremely angry and they always come back to say how scary it is mainly because of how intense I look and how quiet I get. It’s like a build up of so much pressure to a point where it is soooooo unbelievably insanely intense there’s no possibility of an explosion or even implosion. Everything just goes POOF! like magic as if it were never there, and yet you still feel it. I still feel it.

Lunchtime scribble while not talking…

20140109

Should the job get posted and the 80 million weeks of dealing with HR crap happens before I find and am offered something, I won’t turn it down. But I sure as hell will no longer be patient with this shit. I didn’t even care much about higher pay b/c that wasn’t a huge issue, it’s the lack of benefits and ability to take part in more work-related activities/events/discounts annnnnnnnd to not have to deal with the (mostly) moron guards every friggin morning taking forever to get a badge b/c you can’t goddamn remember my fucking face as I sign in.. EVERY MORNING.

Yes I’m pissed.

It’s one thing to admit to your lazy ass or say that person hasn’t been around for the approval signature or even lie and say there were problems complications fuckups coffee spilled on it I DON’T CARE. But to change the status of said paperwork to yes, soon, not yet, going further and further backward I want to punch through your face WTF OMG.

WTF fuck. I feel better now. Emotional rants are yay. I need my feet up and a spiked tea. goddamnit. the end (and I throw a tissue dramatically as I storm away but it has no effect b/c um.. it’s a tissue, duh.. so it gently floats to my thigh and its so awkwardly stuck there as I move and then it releases and floats and its all so ridiculous.. and.. the end.. for real.)

ghost closure: part two

Brief back story: Somewhere in the first or second week we dated, she was having computer problems. I brought over a portable drive to back up her files, prior to attempting a restore on her system. During the process of backup, she was going through bookmarks to see what she wanted to keep and accidentally opened her blog site. I saw it in a flash, maybe saw 2 out of 3 of the words from the blog name. She asked me never to look at it, said she writes some pretty dark stuff and I promised I wouldn’t. I also promised to never look at the contents of her backup files and said I’d leave it with her until she was satisfied that her computer was running smoothly again.

Fast forward to the last time I saw her and the end of whatever we had. As I was about to leave, she told me to wait as she grabbed the drive and handed it to me. I went home, flopped down on my bed and just stared at the ceiling for what felt like ages. Processing. Wondering what the hell went wrong. Thinking about that last date and wondering if all the food set her off. Was it me? Was it her? An endless internal discussion. Then I remembered the hard drive. I shot out of bed and darted toward it. I was about to plug it into my laptop, but stopped myself. That’s when the tears came and I lost it. I tucked the drive safely away in a drawer, out of sight out of mind, knowing I could not plug it in yet to delete the contents without temptation to look for answers.

The next day I was pretty mopey and thoughts kept circling around whether or not I should have gone with my gut early on and attempted a dialogue about my suspicions with her. But what good is the shoulda-woulda-coulda? So then my thoughts obsessed over needing to know what happened in that week. Needing confirmation of my red flags and gut feelings. I still avoided the drive (and eventually found myself in a place where I plugged it in and pressed delete without breaking that one promise). But the desperation for answers reminded me of the blog. I knew the possibilities for 2 of the 3 words and took a google chance with the addition of blogspot. Well, it wasn’t that blog, but I still found it on the first try within the first page of results and clicked the link.

Failure to my other promise, I read the latest post. It confirmed my suspicion and told me much much more. I instantly understood what she meant by not wanting to hurt me. Initially I berated myself for not having been more sensitive to the possibilities, even though her words to me were all positive and loving. I know now it wasn’t my fault, even if that picnic was the trigger back into her eating disorder. The point is, I understood and a weight was lifted. And THAT… is where I should have left it, but I didn’t.

Shortly after, I had this sudden urge to check the blog again. Told myself no, but something in my brain kept nagging at me and eventually, later that day, I gave in. There was a new post (the first since the one I had previously read) and it was at most 30 hours old. I honestly can’t remember if this was one of the positive posts, the suicidal posts, or the extremely scary majorly fucked up posts. Either way, I again told myself I would never look again. She was two different people and the person I saw in the blog didn’t want me around, so I needed to let go and move on.

But I didn’t. I mean, I would be fine for awhile. Sometimes it was days, sometimes it was a month or so, but eventually this overwhelming urge to check in on her returned. And the creepy scary thing was I thought her and I were in sync when we dated, but this was far more in tune. It was weird. It didn’t matter if a day or a month went by between her posts. Each new one, my giving in to peek was always within less and less time of her publishing it. It kind of started to freak me out, but at the same time it made me want to test the accuracy of it. Was this weirdness really happening?

After the last two times I looked, which were both within an hour of being posted I vowed to myself I wouldn’t look again. I needed to step away because it was an obsession. Not just with the synchronicity of it, but in a need to understand how this person writing could possibly be the same as the person I spent the better part of that month with. I get that it takes a long time to really get to know someone, but I couldn’t wrap my brain around how genuine one personality felt in actions and words, but were so completely contradicted in this self destructive and even manipulative writer.

I felt a need to understand more about the diagnoses her blog admitted to. Especially Borderline Personality Disorder. I… need.. to.. STOP. I promised my 2 friends I would stop reading it. I failed that few times. I promised myself and failed. Failed, failed and failed.

Then one day, there was another uplifting and positive good post and everything finally clicked in my brain. I sit all day at work and investigate problems in code. I always find the pattern, but some take me longer than others. The stumpers drive me crazy and I obsess until I eventually get it, though it never takes me longer than that work day to solve it. That last post was an instant click to seeing her pattern. An infinite loop of a personality flux that will most likely never break from its path (I sincerely hope that that isn’t true.). I haven’t looked since. The urges have been there. I almost opened the browser to it the other week after her recent caught-me-off-guard return to the dating site we met on. I didn’t look. I just closed my computer and walked away. Next time I logged into the date site and saw her, I selected “hide” so I wouldn’t (hopefully) have to see that picture again. I think I need more time before I’m completely ok w/ seeing that at random again. The urges to blog read are getting quieter and quieter. Eventually, they will dissipate into the void because there is already nothing more I need to understand. I solved my puzzle, now I just need to finish putting the pieces back in the box so I can donate the damn thing and move on to the next jigsaw.

Again, there is no way in hell that this post could possibly share or explain all that is in my head. I don’t care if one thing doesn’t connect to the next b/c it lacks the extra crap that resides in my brain and memory. It just feels like more weight lifted getting my confession out and releasing the pressure of thought from my ever-swelling aching brain. No more reading her page, alright? Good. Moving on.

ghost closure: part one

The truth about it all, is this: I’m tired. Tired of thinking about it. Tired of caring about it. Tired of ever having known anything and my need to understand. Tired of wanting to get it out, but never actually doing so. I have bigger worries to concern myself with. I have the present to live in and the future to look forward to. So here’s the first half, the half I’ve been over for awhile..
Please note that in no way could this post possibly, fully explain or emulate what was going on, how or why things were so wonderful in such a short period of time. I don’t need to focus on that.. just the basics to book it and move on. The details are mine and mine alone, for no one could ever truly understand what happened during those 30+ days. And yes I am aware of what a short period of time that was. It’s what came after that haunted me.

In the beginning, and up until the second to last time I had seen her, everything was amazing. It was something I had never felt with anyone ever before. There was chemistry in all forms, physically everything was great, the kissing was the best ever, and for a moment I actually believed in something I thought was all fairy tale and exaggeration.

I wasn’t concerned by the hints and the facts of her past that I knew, assumed, or that had been alluded toward me. She was positive and bright and forward thinking and was living right then and there, with me, in the moment.

It was only a month. Plus about a week and a half of talking before then. But a month of stupid smiles on my face and most of my anxieties gone. It was bliss.

Our last date was beautiful, romantic.. picnic with live classical music in the park. That was the second to last time I saw her. She had nothing but good to say. But unlike the previous weeks where I had seen her almost every other day, the week to follow we only had digital communication. She wasn’t feeling well. She called it something like the bird flu. My thoughts went straight to all the food we gorged on that last date. I thought about her eating disorder. But then there was a sweet text, beautiful words, reassurance, and I tucked that gut feeling away.

The feeling returned, but was easily disposed of after a FB comment of reassurance. Everything was beautiful.

The feeling returned, she complained about her dad making a fuss about driving to the city to visit her since she was not well. Alarms were sounding silently in the background like the useless kitchen timer app I once downloaded and used and it failed to alert me of anything because the rest of my phone had been set to silent and so it remained silent as well. Had I payed attention to it, looked, opened my eyes.. but nothing would have changed. The end result would have been the same. Deep down I already knew it was over.

I offered to visit with soups and anything she needed that whole week, but was denied. We had plans for a party that Saturday, a surprise brunch bday for her friend. That morning she braved the outdoors for a coffee and found herself escorted home by a stranger. She had fainted. No party. She was supposed to get bloodwork done b/c of another health issue I knew about, so I insisted on taking her. She said I didn’t have to. I said I would feel better knowing she got there and back ok. Maybe that was selfish. I don’t know.

This was the last time I had seen her. She was different. Everything about her was unfamiliar. But she wasn’t feeling well, right? So I remained my usual self and respected her signals to keep my distance.

At the doctor’s office there was a moment, there were words with the nurses, I heard things and they stuck with me. The red flags were raised. Why the need for hushed tones and keeping something from me. I knew of the many health issues it could have been since we had previously talked about them, but there was something more. Something she didn’t want me to know that involved paperwork for an additional doctor. The nurses asked for the diagnosis. She asked if she could just write it down. I tried to ignore this, but some part of me made a permanent mental note of that moment. Still, I ignored my gut and the flags and the sirens now silently blaring and the stop signs and everything.

Everything was wrong about that day. Everything about her was a different person I was now barely getting to see for the first time.

When we got back, I stayed for awhile, but she was in a daze and just staring at nothing. Suddenly, she broke the silence with “I don’t think we should see each other any more”. Still staring blank, never looking at me, until we started talking about it. I had questions. In short, she didn’t want to hurt me, maybe this was too much too fast, still want to be friends, etc etc etc.

And that was it.

The last time I ever saw her and the last she ever spoke to me.

The next day I had some closure and relief in understanding what my gut was saying (explained more in part 2). It sucked, it hurt, but I got over this part of the story months ago. There was more that happened after and became an obsession. It has everything to do with why I have referred to her as the ghost, because I felt haunted and still linked to this individual for so long. In fact, I still do, but now I am making the effort to not give in to it, and the longer I do.. the weaker its pull becomes. But that, again, is all for part two.

The possibilities of love, relationships, and future were let go some time ago. Part one is a closed chapter.

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