Stress, anxiety, work, depression VS. a major lack of time, money, being social, drawing, cleaning, SLEEPING! This is my life. In fact, a friend recently posted this image on my FB saying “saw this, immediately thought of you..” and it was dead on..
It’s not really that I’m too bored, it’s more like a zombie thing. Last week I was so insanely busy at work, was being pretty active and productive when home, and with the help of some zQuil I was actually falling asleep within a decent amount of time annnnnnd actually feeling rested the next day! I wasn’t using the stuff every night, mind you, but almost every night I was getting actual rest. Sweet glorious stranger-to-me rest! It was amazing and I was actually able to trudge a little faster through the mud of my depression. Thing is, I actually believed the zQuil crap was helping me sleep. What b.s. This week was awful and proved the stuff to be a false prophet.
Sunday and Monday I used the stuff and barely slept. Tuesday, was special. I took the day off, decided to not stress over losing money from it, had no articles to check publication or anything immediately in need of my attention, so it was lovely to not touch the computer for once. I simply took a relaxing non-active day to myself, and after some food, around 4pm I gave into the overwhelming need to take a nap. Usually that need is a lazy bored unmotivated depression thing, but this really felt like a genuine “I need barin off now sleep some please” situation. And sleep I did. An amazing and rare nap. Two whole hours! Anyway, back in Oct, I wrote Cat Ghost? about how I used to have this strange lucid sensation of my childhood cat Cashmere visiting me in my sleep and how it ceased a few months after adopting Machete 3+ years ago.
The moment I laid down I could immediately feel sleep taking me. Machete took her side of the bed, on top of my arm because I was already on my side and physically dead to the world. Consciousness was fluttering in and out. Then everything got all lucid surreal. No idea if I was awake or asleep or what. I just know Machete was on my arm and purring, then I heard/sensed a much larger cat jump up on the nightstand to my back. I felt the presence step onto the bed, walk up my pillow, then the purring sniffs into my exposed ear… something Machete doesn’t really do. M usually goes for the eyes or nose and has never really been a hair nester (Cashmere definitely was). I remember thinking about the situation and about how I was asleep. I think I started dreaming of other things I’ve long since forgotten, then the same visitation sense happened again and I know at some point after that I fell soundly asleep. I was so rested after that. Part of me wonders if I started dreaming Machete and I were in the same sleeping arrangement while outside of sleep and dreams she was purring into my ear as she sniffed it. So strange and weird, words could never emulate it properly.
Well, I got a few more things done after that and then poorly slept later on. Wed night I took zQuil early on, had my tea, read a lil from bed, no electronics, then felt the effects of the stuff getting strong, but I honestly cannot say whether I ever fell asleep or not. I was tossing and turning all night and by morning I was a mess. After work I was supposed to have writing/drawing time with my friend, but by 3pm I was already braindead, yet still determined to get out there. Work dragged on for ages and well past the time I had intended to leave, the bus ride was overpacked (I’ll usually wait in the cold for the next, more empty bus, but really really wanted to get going already), I could hardly move, and it took forever to get the short distance home. The conditions were snowy slushy, which normally I’m fine with and would have still driven to the burbs, but by the time I had squeezed my way off the bus I was ready to go straight to bed. I felt bad, but knew driving was no longer a safe option (weather permitting or not). So I ate, took zQuil, bed. Seriously… WTF?! Same horrible tossing and turning, but too friggin exhausted, out-of-it, dead to move. It’s like all those old vampire movies or half the TV shows recently (ie. AHS: Coven, Sleepy Hallow, etc).. lying stuck in a coffin, completely conscious, completely stuck.
Friday I hit a level of giddy delirium and was luckily functional with limited energy spurts. Leaving the building for a bday lunch was rejuvenating too. I don’t think I’ve left for lunch once since fall. So… this all leaves me unmotivated, lazy, sore, overtired, feeling worse b/c of the lack of accomplishing things that I WANT to do. It’s not just cleaning and budgets and dealing with other crap. It’s missing out on time with friends (even if we’re just silently working on our own things in the same room), getting a move on with projects, getting out more, feeling better, having a full and active day. I feel like a bum. My room looks like a tornado hits it every time I’ve just cleaned it. My bathroom is like that too. My living room still has xmas crap up. My desk is a disaster. I want my organized life back.
Time for routines. Saturdays in the summer were great for getting me out of the house, going for walks, reading, drawing, farmer’s market, cleaning, etc. It’s cold out, I’m a baby, time to adjust.
1. I was looking online for sleep tea recipes and started thinking about how teas, sleepy pills & liquids, medications, etc have never truly helped me sleep b/c it’s my brain that’s the problem. I have the “set alarms early” and “no electronics” routines in place (usually), but I need more to help the anxiety part and found this… I know, it’s Dr. Oz who sometimes creeps me out and I’ve never really watched him and I’ve definitely never read his books, but this routine seems like something harmless to try for awhile b/c it focuses on anxiety and all my other mood junk.
And to briefly illustrate it for myself…
2. Must create cleaning routines so I’m not overwhelmed. I started going pinterest crazy last week when I received a “You’ll love these DIY pins..” email that was focussed on healthy living, natural DIY cleaning products, etc.. and found a few routines in there that got me thinking. I haven’t created this yet, but like my drawing routine and rules, I’m in the process of sorting things out.
3. Exercise routine with the lack of extra walking. I found myself overeating this week. Like obsessive overeating. Even thinking to myself, “hey, I just had dinner, but I really want this, but I’m already full, but I really want this now”. I really didn’t want any food product that bad, it was poor coping. Fudge that, and by fudge, I mean I need to stop indulging in “needs” for crap like fudge. I was also cursing. FYI.
Anyway… yes. I know nothing will ever right itself asap. Routines take time and patience to form. Schedules sometimes require tweaking and exceptions. Life is unpredictable. Yadda yadda. My main goal is to see if I can make some level of #1 habit for sleeptime. I honestly can’t see myself having a lavender facial every night, but tea is already a routine and I believe an awareness of room temp and a few minutes of stretching wouldn’t be too hard, along with further re-enforcing my electronics-off rule, and (not-yet-mentioned or researched) better awareness of what I’m eating before bed, etc…
So in reality, my goal is to avoid the following situation for sleep aid (not to mention forced avoidance of dating/relationship crap): Video of Happy Endings: Noche Tussin