algorithmicdiva

Rambles, Rants, and Decomposition

ghost closure: part one

The truth about it all, is this: I’m tired. Tired of thinking about it. Tired of caring about it. Tired of ever having known anything and my need to understand. Tired of wanting to get it out, but never actually doing so. I have bigger worries to concern myself with. I have the present to live in and the future to look forward to. So here’s the first half, the half I’ve been over for awhile..
Please note that in no way could this post possibly, fully explain or emulate what was going on, how or why things were so wonderful in such a short period of time. I don’t need to focus on that.. just the basics to book it and move on. The details are mine and mine alone, for no one could ever truly understand what happened during those 30+ days. And yes I am aware of what a short period of time that was. It’s what came after that haunted me.

In the beginning, and up until the second to last time I had seen her, everything was amazing. It was something I had never felt with anyone ever before. There was chemistry in all forms, physically everything was great, the kissing was the best ever, and for a moment I actually believed in something I thought was all fairy tale and exaggeration.

I wasn’t concerned by the hints and the facts of her past that I knew, assumed, or that had been alluded toward me. She was positive and bright and forward thinking and was living right then and there, with me, in the moment.

It was only a month. Plus about a week and a half of talking before then. But a month of stupid smiles on my face and most of my anxieties gone. It was bliss.

Our last date was beautiful, romantic.. picnic with live classical music in the park. That was the second to last time I saw her. She had nothing but good to say. But unlike the previous weeks where I had seen her almost every other day, the week to follow we only had digital communication. She wasn’t feeling well. She called it something like the bird flu. My thoughts went straight to all the food we gorged on that last date. I thought about her eating disorder. But then there was a sweet text, beautiful words, reassurance, and I tucked that gut feeling away.

The feeling returned, but was easily disposed of after a FB comment of reassurance. Everything was beautiful.

The feeling returned, she complained about her dad making a fuss about driving to the city to visit her since she was not well. Alarms were sounding silently in the background like the useless kitchen timer app I once downloaded and used and it failed to alert me of anything because the rest of my phone had been set to silent and so it remained silent as well. Had I payed attention to it, looked, opened my eyes.. but nothing would have changed. The end result would have been the same. Deep down I already knew it was over.

I offered to visit with soups and anything she needed that whole week, but was denied. We had plans for a party that Saturday, a surprise brunch bday for her friend. That morning she braved the outdoors for a coffee and found herself escorted home by a stranger. She had fainted. No party. She was supposed to get bloodwork done b/c of another health issue I knew about, so I insisted on taking her. She said I didn’t have to. I said I would feel better knowing she got there and back ok. Maybe that was selfish. I don’t know.

This was the last time I had seen her. She was different. Everything about her was unfamiliar. But she wasn’t feeling well, right? So I remained my usual self and respected her signals to keep my distance.

At the doctor’s office there was a moment, there were words with the nurses, I heard things and they stuck with me. The red flags were raised. Why the need for hushed tones and keeping something from me. I knew of the many health issues it could have been since we had previously talked about them, but there was something more. Something she didn’t want me to know that involved paperwork for an additional doctor. The nurses asked for the diagnosis. She asked if she could just write it down. I tried to ignore this, but some part of me made a permanent mental note of that moment. Still, I ignored my gut and the flags and the sirens now silently blaring and the stop signs and everything.

Everything was wrong about that day. Everything about her was a different person I was now barely getting to see for the first time.

When we got back, I stayed for awhile, but she was in a daze and just staring at nothing. Suddenly, she broke the silence with “I don’t think we should see each other any more”. Still staring blank, never looking at me, until we started talking about it. I had questions. In short, she didn’t want to hurt me, maybe this was too much too fast, still want to be friends, etc etc etc.

And that was it.

The last time I ever saw her and the last she ever spoke to me.

The next day I had some closure and relief in understanding what my gut was saying (explained more in part 2). It sucked, it hurt, but I got over this part of the story months ago. There was more that happened after and became an obsession. It has everything to do with why I have referred to her as the ghost, because I felt haunted and still linked to this individual for so long. In fact, I still do, but now I am making the effort to not give in to it, and the longer I do.. the weaker its pull becomes. But that, again, is all for part two.

The possibilities of love, relationships, and future were let go some time ago. Part one is a closed chapter.

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